I remember 10 years ago. It was a period of clairvoyance. Less thinking and more living. I was a pure ball of idiocy. Although, I wasn’t overbearing or complicated which I seem to be now. I was just quiet and straightforward. At times, I wish it stayed that way. I long for that simplicity once more. Then, I thrust myself away from those memories and snap back into actuality. I forced myself to continue as if I don’t have a choice.
I’ve always been able to wipe away these memories as if it was an eraser and whiteboard with a worn-out marker. Although there are times when thoughts of these erased memories absorb me, they have been blocked out at points in time to the best of my capability. But, there’s one memory that doesn’t erase or even fade away. The memory is like a cover-up for every memory to come before and after. The reminiscence of those 2 cookies. At the time, the tastes were heavenly. No cookies in the entire world have ever exceeded those 2 cookies.
Of course, these aren’t just any cookies. I remember the first cookie. I would have this cookie all the time. They had tasted as if they were handled with careful consideration. These cookies reminded me that everything was going to be okay. They nudged me to not give up, and, I didn’t. They made me feel secure. I still wonder why they blinded me.
But then, they were gone. The 1st cookie left without a goodbye. I was sorrowful. I think when the 1st cookie left is when everything got stumbled up. The cookies made me oblivious.
I longed for them back. It wasn’t severely prolonged though. After they told me to get over it, I washed my eyes. I could see clearly for the first time. That’s when I became a realist. I started to see everything as it was. That clairvoyance from when I was young had been replaced. It’s as if I got a new lens.
I haven’t completely forgotten the 1st cookies. I used to think about them constantly. They were stupid, but for whatever reason, I saw them as perfect. Though me seeing them as perfect arose other problems that went unaddressed. This is when I really started to get over it. When I saw those dangerous feelings of infatuation. I saw the lonely void I needed to be filled. They were like a light in a desolated field to me. That feeling of desolation didn’t stop. It overtook my life.
People tried to recreate that cookie. Days, weeks, months. I attempted many things. First, to recreate them myself, to imagine them, or to forget them. When those options didn’t work, I went on to try different cookies, even different foods, over and over again. Through foods and cookies just as if I was on a cookie Tender. Then, I just finally gave up and decided nothing would ever be the same.
But abruptly, on what ended up later to be a dreadful day, something happened. Someone came out of the blue. They had the cookies, just for me. They were better than perfect. The feeling of gaining what I had lost back. It felt incredible. It felt like, although the past few months were useless, I just had to wait for it. They were definitely superior to the original cookies. This 2nd cookie was more real. Even looking back on it, I think I loved the 2nd cookie. I’m not sure if I still do or don’t. Although, they filled the same role. The only difference was how I saw them.
It wasn’t the same as the 1st cookie. I treasured them. Treated them as if they were a wife that was to die within a week every day of every month. But while I cherished them, it slowly shifted into an obsession. An unhealthy obsession to say the least. I wasn’t aware at the time, but both this sugar cookie and the original one became obsessions of mine. I felt as though I couldn’t live without them in my life.
But alas, the 2nd cookie left, just like the 1st. I was once again devastated. Though, I ended up with a realization that I can’t rely on any cookies. I can’t put my load on the cookies and expect them to stay. Once I realized that mistake, I decided to never let it happen again.
Though I still think about them, I recognize that I’ve improved and that I wasn’t that great towards the cookies. The realization of my problems. The worst feeling in the world. But at the same time, the biggest relief in the world, because it allows clairvoyance can once again return.
